The interview panel could see the question coming. It happens all the time at the same time if the circumstances are there. Towards the end of the interview Chad would lean in, peer over his glasses, and ask his question. Chad was a graduate of a small elite liberal arts college. One of the “Little Ivies” as they are informally known. “Sooooo, I see that you graduated from City College, tell me what influenced your decision to attend that college,” Chad asked.
The team braced for what was about to come. This was Chad’s “power move.” It was his way of getting his little meaningless kick, by seeing candidates trying to justify to him their perceived lesser credentials. And more often than not it worked. For whatever reason candidates would become flustered. Explaining something that required no explanation. Stripped of their confidence, the interview would go downhill from there. Sadly, given Chad’s position as the team leader his behavior was never challenged.
Magdalena was fully prepared for the interview. She knew she was qualified and had the credentials for the position. She had studied in detail the company and the business unit she was looking to join, and she knew her “why” for wanting to join. Magdalena scanned the room and observed the body language of those around the conference table. Many were tensing up. Where they were once leaning in and engaged in the conversation, like a slow-motion synchronized water ballet, everyone leaned away from the table.
Magdalena thought this was a perfect opportunity to tell her authentic story. Whether Chad liked it or not she would not begin a potential career by denying what made her who she is. Magdalena started to respond with grace and poise, “thank you for asking Chad, and I appreciate you wanting to know more about my story. I'm proud to share that story because I’m sure it is quite different from that of your other candidates. College was never guaranteed to me. I'm the oldest child of immigrant parents. They came here for a better life. Between the two of them they worked four jobs six days a week. As the oldest child, I helped my parents by caring for my younger siblings. My parents worked long hours, so I had to get my brothers and sisters up and get them ready for school. We grew up in a rough neighborhood and there were so many distractions. I knew I had to graduate high school and enter college to be a role model for my siblings. I also had to do it for my parents because they sacrificed so much for our family to have a better life. I chose City College because it was close to home and I could continue to help my parents. There were many nights of studying late hours, studying on the bus, waking up, falling asleep, and waking up again in the library to study some more before going home to help my siblings with homework. City College also provided me with enough scholarship money and assistance to graduate debt free. My college selection is only a part of my life story of overcoming challenges, staying focused, staying disciplined, and yes leading the most difficult team there is… younger siblings.”
Smiles and gentle laughter erupted. The interview team was floored. Never had a candidate responded so powerfully to Chad’s “question.” Jacklyn, spoke up: “wow, what an experience! You must really feel proud of all of your accomplishments!” The next few minutes of the “interview” was more of a casual chat, with other team members building upon Magdalena’s story to either obtain greater depth of her experience or to share something that was sparked by the story.
Fast forward two years later and Magdalena is a strong contributing member of the team. Since that interview, the team has changed. After some facilitated training, the team is stronger and more effective. They have greater insights, more discussions without judgment, they listen more deeply, and they have learned to disagree without being disagreeable. They gained something that was sorely lacking within the team: empathy.
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines empathy as: the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.
Empathy is a powerful yet severely misunderstood and underdeveloped skill of most people. First, we often confuse empathy with sympathy. It's understandable, literally three letters separate the spelling of the two words, and they sound similar in pronunciation. And if you really want a serious etymological and lexicological study of both words, you will see the root of “pathy” has its origins in the Greek language from the words “patheia” and “pathes,” meaning “experiencing or undergoing.”
To the extent that some are familiar with empathy, they are often unclear on understanding what it looks like in action. People think it is related to sorrow, giving in, capitulating, or agreeing with. For some unknown reason it is often viewed as a weakness of leadership or not essential to leadership. Nothing could be further from the truth. The skill and competency of empathy is powerful and empowering. However, as with any skill or competency it requires development.
Empathy when understood and properly practiced gives us an additional lens and perspective to view a scenario, position, or situation. The new perspective yields new information and awareness, which in turn provides more choices. More choices provides more and hopefully better outcomes. Imagine the new, increased, and better outcomes for the world if leaders developed more empathy skills.
Oh, and just in case you were wondering, Chad no longer asks his “favorite” question. In fact, he is now much more intentional about understanding the complete life experiences of job candidates that come before him.
Reflection Questions:
1. What conversations or interactions are you involved in where you can become more intentional about listening deeply to what is being said?
2. What conversations or interactions are you involved in where you can listen deeply, pause, and reflect on what is being said?
3. What conversations or interactions are you involved in where you can listen deeply without judging what is being said?
4. What conversations or interactions are you involved in where you can listen deeply without having an intent of providing a response to what is being said?
5. What conversations or interactions are you involved in where you can listen deeply with the intention of gaining new insights and understandings based upon what is being said?
Excellent article!
Magdalena's response as an example of how to evoke empathy is classic. I think the point you are trying to make is that empathy should not have to be evoked, but should be learned and practiced, and then applied. Sadly, empathy is not easily teachable without a full course in communication geared to the principles of how to understand.
For most people who are not brought up with empathic role models and teachers, your Reflection Questions will not mean much. I suggest that you overtly clarify that anyone can increase his or her own empathy by answering the Reflection Questions honestly. Since your next to last paragraph clearly outlines the benefits of increasing one's empathy, this suggestion should be the last line of that paragraph.
Overall this is an important message. I am pleased you shared it.